In the race to procure toilet paper like so many rabid Cornholios, some of us may have been a tad overzealous. That said, those who did may need a helpful guide to cooking with TP in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.
Calling on my college days of long desperation and short funds, I’ve cobbled together a little guide on doing just that…
Fresh vs Canned
This should be a no-brainer, but just so it’s said, toilet paper is best used fresh from the store.
I don’t recommend grilling TP as even the toughest generic toilet paper is fragile in the face of open flame despite being a touch less rough than P12 macrogrit sandpaper.
Toilet paper seems to work best as a foundation or a filler; like gluten or a starch. I recommend either chili con TP or mixed into a tamale stuffing; chowder is also an option.
Quilted Northern: Ah, Quilted Northern, my old childhood friend. Just seeing it on the shelf evokes memories of grilled cheese sandwiches, Mac n’ Cheese, and tomato soup on a winter’s day. It’s best mixed into the comfort foods as a quilty pleasure.
Charmin: The foundation for charmin a la carte, Charmin’s creamy texture makes it a must for French cuisine. Note: Charmin is like a delicate flower and must be handled gently; DO NOT squeeze it.
Angel Soft: Some believe that Angel Soft two-ply is suitable for light cakes and meringues but this is not the case; you need the single-ply for that. Two-ply is best for pound cake.
Caprice Green Toilet Paper: This non-GMO organic offering packs a lime tone, making it an ideal condiment for avocado toast. It pairs well with a venti non-fat decaf soy latte.
Newman’s Own Hatch Chile 2-ply: It’s hard to find but this is my go-to for entertaining guests. It has great green chile flavor and a firm but nice heat on the back end.
Who knew all of that poverty from my 20s would come back en vogue? I never ate toilet paper but there were plenty of days where the thought may have crossed my mind…
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