cooking with toilet paper

Cooking with Toilet Paper

In Humor by Mark MaskerLeave a Comment

In the race to procure toilet paper like so many rabid Cornholios, some of us may have been a tad overzealous. That said, those who did may need a helpful guide to cooking with TP in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.
cooking with toilet paper
Calling on my college days of long desperation and short funds, I’ve cobbled together a little guide on doing just that…
Fresh vs Canned
This should be a no-brainer, but just so it’s said, toilet paper is best used fresh from the store.

toilet paper joke

Never, ever cook with canned TP. It has a much earthier flavor profile that few diners find palatable.

I don’t recommend grilling TP as even the toughest generic toilet paper is fragile in the face of open flame despite being a touch less rough than P12 macrogrit sandpaper.

uncle owen aunt beru

You definitely need to go low and slow unless you want your dish to end up like this.

Toilet paper seems to work best as a foundation or a filler; like gluten or a starch. I recommend either chili con TP or mixed into a tamale stuffing; chowder is also an option.

Culinary Profiles
quilted northern
Quilted Northern: Ah, Quilted Northern, my old childhood friend. Just seeing it on the shelf evokes memories of grilled cheese sandwiches, Mac n’ Cheese, and tomato soup on a winter’s day. It’s best mixed into the comfort foods as a quilty pleasure.

empty shelves pandemic

Good luck seeing it on a shelf now, though.

Charmin: The foundation for charmin a la carte, Charmin’s creamy texture makes it a must for French cuisine. Note: Charmin is like a delicate flower and must be handled gently; DO NOT squeeze it.
angel soft
Angel Soft: Some believe that Angel Soft two-ply is suitable for light cakes and meringues but this is not the case; you need the single-ply for that. Two-ply is best for pound cake.
caprice green toilet paper
Caprice Green Toilet Paper: This non-GMO organic offering packs a lime tone, making it an ideal condiment for avocado toast. It pairs well with a venti non-fat decaf soy latte.
cooking with toilet paper
Newman’s Own Hatch Chile 2-ply: It’s hard to find but this is my go-to for entertaining guests. It has great green chile flavor and a firm but nice heat on the back end.

Who knew all of that poverty from my 20s would come back en vogue? I never ate toilet paper but there were plenty of days where the thought may have crossed my mind…

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Managing Editor | Mark is a freelance journalist based out of Los Angeles. He’s our Do-It-Yourself specialist, and happily agrees to try pretty much every twisted project we come up with.

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